His Response to "If Only"

FROM: HIM

I remember you saying that when you are tired your biggest pet peeve was having a serious conversation. I’m glad you enjoyed talking with me. I just wanted to call to help you relax. My goal was to get you to fall asleep in my arms. However I’m glad for the conversation, and this email. It makes me realize that you are still insecure about things. I’d like to address these concerns. I know as much as I tell you now, it won’t help much until we see each other and I show you in person that all I tell you is what I want, but I’m still going to try (I’m a guy, that's what we do). If you have a concern in the future you don’t have to wait until you are tired to tell me. Don’t keep those insecurities tucked and tied beneath brain cells. Let them out, just like ‘when’ replaced ‘if’ I can get it so that ‘yes’ would replace ‘I’m not sure…’

I am sure of myself. I’m an egotist, as you already know. I try to keep myself in check so I don’t make you think I’m an asshole. But somehow you saw through that and found out anyway. I am sure of where I have been and the things I’ve screwed up in my life, but I try to use them to my advantage to make it better the next time. I am sure of what I want in my future.



In order:



- I want my kids,

- I want my business,

- I want to flip foreclosures, and be a GC while I do that.

- I want my business to expand to include property management.

- I want to own my own homes outside my business for personal investments.

- I want the perfect woman (I know there is no such thing, but I’m pretty laid back and some women can come really damn close),

- I want to have my family and all of us be happy,

- I want to watch my kids grow up and sit on the front porch and watch them ride their bikes in the road with their friends.

- I want my perfect woman by my side for all of this.

- I want to open all my other businesses around this timeframe.

- And then I want my flipping business to expand again so that I can start building communities at a time.



After all is said and done I want to retire from the military collecting half my pay and benefits for the rest of my life. At that point my kids will be older and almost ready for them to start taking over portions of my businesses (if that is what they truly want, they will start out working for me, but then they’ll be able to decide what they want for themselves). And I want to have enough houses so at this point I can turn around and say, “Hey gorgeous, I love you, you have been so good to me. Where do you want to live this year?” And we just go to the house in that area.



I do understand that there are small road blocks to that dream, but you’d be amazed what money can buy. Especially with my ex and her mother. I know you have kids to think of, and I won’t ever ask you otherwise. I also know you have a business as well. Now it would be easy for me to move my flipping business anywhere, but the others would be a hassle. I want to be secure enough so that when the military moves me, I just have to open a new one where ever I end up going. Sometimes that will mean selling the first one, sometimes it will mean expanding. I want to be able to provide you with that as well. I would never take care of my businesses like that and tell you let's go. You’d be my first priority on that. These aren’t dreams, these will happen eventually.



This is all I ever think of. I don’t tell myself I can’t do it, I tell myself I can do it, and better than everyone else, that is why it will come to me.

There is no way in hell I will see your world and run for the hills. It just won’t happen. I will see your world and still be afraid of showing you mine for fear of you running for the hills.



Now granted, there are some minor things that need to be overcome. If you’d like to wait until five years later and give it a shot then, or try to do the long distance thing or just decide that it isn’t going to work, that is something you will sit me down for. But I reassure you, I know this can work. I don’t want you to be nervous about me in any way.



I want you to think of me and instantly be in a better mood, I want you to think of me as yours, and I want that stupid wall to come down so you don’t have to feel alone anymore. The finer details of your world don’t scare me at all honey. I’ve lived in much worse. The details within your world only scares you. Otherwise that wall wouldn’t be there, and yes you have good reason for it. No one can blame you for that. I just want to prove that I can be the guy who takes care of you the way you should have been many years ago. Better late than never.

My world doesn’t have the ‘if only’ scenarios. My world has ‘soon’ and ‘they chose a different way, but this is what I learned from it.’ That is all there is in my life. And somehow I’m much happier because of the results.

I hope you take my hand, and the nervousness melts instantly away. I hope you look into my eyes and see the confidence I have that I can and will make you happy. I want you to lose your concerns all together. I want to tear down your wall, and I want you to fall so I can show you that I’m right there by your side to catch you and hold you and never let you go.

Now I know that when you start typing back, you will be rested…but try to answer this as if you were tired;

What are you thinking?



FROM: HER

I’m thinking I don’t want to send another long email. I’d rather be lazy in bed, getting all tied up in the sheets and blankets with you. Where are you? I could use a couple of hairy legs in here with me? And some heavy arms to hold me tightly, and a chest to rest my back against, and a nose to settle in my neck and hair…ummm, that would be so nice.



FROM: HIM

I am right here, Honey. You don’t have to send me a long email, just relax in my arms, and respond to me later.

Melt for me baby. My body feels warm against yours. My arms wrap around your shoulders securely. I am pulling you back against my body, your back resting in my chest. You’re a$$ as far back against my crotch as possible, You fold your arms across mine and your fingers intertwine with mine. You turn your head to nuzzle yourself under my chin, while a gentle summer breeze fills my nostrils. I let out a gentle moan of satisfaction while you cuddle into my body finding the warmth and comfort you have been looking for. You slowly drift asleep in my arms.



As I sit holding you, feeling you breath in tandem with me. Watching you sleep, breathing you in, I feel at peace for the first time since I can remember. I will thank you for that when you wake. I kiss your head and breath in deeply savoring you. You could sleep peacefully for hours. And when you wake up, I’ll kiss you lovingly, and I won’t let go until you ask me to.



FROM: HER

You would be so sweet. What if I don’t want to tell you my fears? Given time I can generally get over any misgivings myself, or if I really have concerns thinking them through helps me get to a decision that I can live with. Sometimes those around me have a hard time with my decisions, but I have to do what’s best for me and my family all the time. Lucky for you my family is getting older and doesn’t need me as much or for as long. My son needs me a little more than four years – I really never see him living with his dad (although I do threaten to send him when he’s slacking on his grades), and that’s it. Other than that I have my business that I could hire someone to run and just check in when needed.

Okay…I want to stay in bed and write to you, but I need to get my arse motivated, washed and moving…missing you as always,



FROM: HIM

I would hope you would trust me with your fears…I wouldn’t offer anything if you asked me not to, just to listen. It would make me feel like a king knowing that you trust me to that level. And I will always understand that your family comes first. You will never have an issue with that, remember, I have kids too.



FROM: HER

Then you should already feel like a king…since I’m sharing with you when you know I’d rather keep things to myself.



FROM: HIM

All the details about how you truly feel…I don’t think you could make me feel any better than I do. Honey you have no idea, what that email did for me. I wish I could be behind you right now holding you. I f for no other reason just to let you know that I am here for you. I’ll talk to you in about an hour. I miss you so much.