Closure

"I love you, I truly do, but I have to focus on my kids and my career. I'm sorry I hurt you this way." he said, and then he was gone.

What had I done wrong? What could possibly had made this man of my fantasies tell me every day that he loved me and that he couldn't wait to be with me, counting down the time, making plans and then on a rainy, dreary, gloomy, cold and grey Monday tell me this. I don't think it would have hurt so much if he didn't reassure me constantly that age didn't matter, distance didn't matter, time didn't matter, all that mattered was love and that we would find a way. I don't think it would have hurt so much...but I don't know.

Before I met him I was plugging along in my life, a bump here, another there, but nothing that truly lit my life up or pained my heart. It was just life. Now, I know that I can let my guard down and feel life, but I no longer want to. It was a cruel joke to tell, a vicious game to play. I should be screaming with anger, demanding answers, so please tell me why I don't - no, can't find it in myself to scream or be angry. Oh, wait, that's right -- it was all just a fantasy. There's no one to be angry with, no one to scream at - it was a nightmare, and now that I'm awake I can't stop the tears.

They catch me off guard, the tears that is. Some mornings in the shower, sometimes in the car, sometimes when I'm sitting at my desk paying bills. It's been two months in two more days and I still have the tears.

If I knew why it happened, would they stop? A truth, a story with no holes from beginning to end - I mean, am I keeping him from taking care of his kids and career? I'm just words on the other side of the screen. I'm just a voice on the other end of the phone. I'm just me.

There's no one to talk to anymore. I'm lost without the closure. Did his reality of the age difference, the distance, the time and life's obstacles scare him away? Is he afraid of me? Was there someone else? I know, I saw it once -- it had to do with a fish, I think, something about a fish in a bed from a woman, err girl. Fidelis, maybe. But maybe that's my fault - before I fell, you know. I encouraged it, felt that someone closer to his age would be better, maybe. Someone who lived closer, lots closer. OMG, was it me?