Saturday, December 26, 2009

December 2008

It's been just over a year. In some ways it doesn't seem that long ago, while in other ways it's more than a lifetime. My heart still aches when I think of the words I fell in love with, my head still has images from the paragraphs that will never become a reality. Reading archives of emails, trying to look into the words that should have warned me to be more careful, to not believe what I could not see - and that I didn't see. I try so hard to forget the words, to turn them into something ugly that might make me angry enough to move forward and look for love again. Instead, I've managed to rebuild and re-enforce the barrier once penetrated by your lies. And they would have to be lies because now I know, you could never make love to me because you only know sex, you could never hold my heart in person because you only know touch, you could never capture my imagination because you are simply a figment of mine. Apethetic accurately describes the boy and the man. If you weren't, you would explain, beg for forgiveness and search for ways to make it right.

Instead I wonder why my heart doesn't respond to the one who does his best to take care of me. The one who makes sure I have everything I need except love. I'm sure he cares, I know he does - but his distance combined with mine isn't enough to break down the walls. How he is here and unable to break through while you, thousands of miles away, made the walls tumble effortlessly.

He touches my body and my body responds. He could be playing backgammon, moving the stones to the proper slot to block my feelings while still winning the game. A tongue lapping a clit, a finger sliding back and forth massaging that special place, a slap on the ass, a push of a cock and I cum, and he can make me cum over and over again, but he does not capture my heart and no matter how I try I can't help him, but I don't think he wants my heart anyway.

He is incredible. He spends hours working out, his body is perfect. He is tanned, dark hair, darker eyes and chiseled good looks. Physically he is a Greek God, mentally he is Einstein - astronomy, physics, government - he has traveled the world. So, it must be me. What does one year truly change?