Changing the Rules

FROM: HIM
As far as my rules:

The more I talk and type with you, the more I find I like, granted I don’t know you extremely well, and I know that nothing is set in stone. But it does make me think that I would LIKE the opportunity to fall again. I know what I like, and I don’t want to be like this for years on end. And the more I like about you the more I think that you and I would be compatible…..pending this continues and neither of us is different in person.

But if you are saying that unless I change the rules then there is NO chance you’d break them unless they are changed in advance. Then that makes me consider it, but I want to be safe about it. I already sent you one semi-long email about this, but I want your opinions on the matter before we change it.

1- If the rule wasn’t there do you think it would even be possible for you to fall…. Consider your wall, the fact that you aren’t extremely comfortable with the age difference, and your lack of trust in other guys.

2- If I gave you full control over the rules and said do as you truly want, would you change that rule? Would you want me to change it, are you hoping I change it?

3- The rule is intended to protect you…not me. If I were to change it, what can I put in place to keep you safe from me. (my apathy, my assholeness, and just the sheer fact that people fuck up one way or another).

FROM: HER
Getting excited about what’s to come is not falling. You want to remove the bricks – I have lots of them. Your rules don’t’ have anything to do with the bricks, the rules are the rules are the rules. If I don’t want to be hurt by you, then I need to listen to your rules, right? If you go to all the trouble to tell me what I shouldn’t do, and then I don’t pay attention and I end up getting hurt, I would only have myself to blame – therefore, I am in control of my feelings, not you.

So, if you don’t want me to curb my feelings, then you have to change at least one rule. Then, whatever happens happens and we’ll both deal with it…you could fall, I could fall…whatever came after that we’d just have to deal with because that’s what people who care about each other do. I don’t know if those things could be overcome, but any parts that are important enough will work themselves out. It might mean that you live in Arizona and I live in Maryland for a few years, it might mean that it won’t work at all, but from here and now, anything is possible.

You need to concern yourself number one with your children – it will be difficult enough for you to get them away from mom, and there’s probably no way she’d move to be near you every time you relocate. Not that I think you would put anyone else as number one, it’s just that you need to know that I understand this and how difficult this will be when it happens. That’s the beauty of not being a young woman – I get it already. I expect you to put kids first, a young woman might not understand that she’s not first in your life.

Go ahead, be an asshole – I’ll tell you that I think you’re being one and then you can decide what to do about it. You can also tell me that I’m being a bitch and I can decide what I want to do about it. I haven’t seen you be an asshole yet either, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be one, right? Same goes for me being a bitch.

Does this clear any grey area up or does it make more grey area? And you do give me flutters – and the next six months of anticipation does too…while it terrifies me, excites me, makes me wonder about my own sanity, etc. What am I contradicting? Or is it perception?

Q1- If the rule wasn’t there do you think it would even be possible for you to fall…. Consider your wall, the fact that you aren’t extremely comfortable with the age difference, and your lack of trust in other guys.

A1 - I think it would be possible to fall again – I’m counting on falling again. I don’t want to live a life without an appendage, lol. And I really think that everyone is meant to be with someone special. I told you today, I trust everyone – until they give me a good reason not to trust them. And it usually takes more than one or two fuck ups.

Q2 - If I gave you full control over the rules and said do as you truly want, would you change that rule? Would you want me to change it, are you hoping I change it?

A2 - Yes, I would change the rule. Then again, I have so few rules I’d prefer to do away with
any that aren’t absolutely necessary so that way we don’t have to worry about breaking any…

Q3 - The rule is intended to protect you…not me. If I were to change it, what can I put in place to keep you safe from me (my apathy, my assholeness, and just the sheer fact that people fuck up one way or another).

A3 - I don’t want to be safe with you. You’ve already told me that I come first. That’s safe enough for me.

FROM: HIM
Getting excited is one thing. I’m excited about having a friend and a companion. I’m excited that there is someone to talk to and share stupid things as well as deep things with (I get depressed when I’m lonely, then depression turns to apathy)

But this isn’t excitement. Based on what I know about you (meaning that I realize anything could happen) I am beginning to think (that is crap I have been thinking it for about 2 or 3 weeks now) that it would be great falling for you. Even better would be you falling for me as well! I still want you safe. I don’t know what to do. If things go great, and I fall one day, and I say to you that I love you, then by default I have left myself vulnerable. And if the same happens in return then you have also left yourself vulnerable….I don’t want to hurt you, or break that. I don’t know if there is a way I can remove that rule and keep you safe anyway.

My kids are always #1 And you have no idea how much I appreciate your understanding this already. And not only do I understand that your sons are #1 for you, I expect that.


What do you think about all this? I will not remove that rule unless you are on board. If I do this I want to be in agreement.

I am confused about how it is possible to remove all your bricks and after that is done still have you obey that rule (assuming it is in place) You are saying that if I show you that you don’t need to barricade your heart and that it is ok to allow someone to love you and fall for them, then after all that there is no way you’d break that rule? If it were me I’d follow that rule intensely until that person removed that last brick, then I’d fall, and quickly. This is the only part of your response I do not understand.

FROM: HER
I’m saying that given the rules I don’t think you could break the bricks away. Get rid of the rules and let’s just see what happens. Either way – hell, I think it could be a great trip no matter what happens.

I’m going to elaborate more on this, but my family is here and I need to spend some time with them, but I promise to come right back to this as soon as I can. I hope you have a great night – I’ll be dreaming of you, I don’t have any choice in the matter…

FROM: HIM
I am exhausted and I need to go to bed, I will be dreaming of you as well. (Why don’t you have a choice, have I embedded myself in your head already?)

FROM: HER
Yes, I go to bed thinking about you and wake up thinking about you – why wouldn’t you find your way in between those two things? You always do – maybe not exactly how I expect you, but I feel that you are there.

Now, my family has gone home, back to the bricks – I think that’s where I left off…

I have bricks, cinderblocks, etc. I wish I didn’t have them – I think it makes me very cold hearted. It makes me so that I won’t fall in love with M. – and as nice as he is, and even though he does some things that aren’t perfect, he is and has always been nice. I have a hard time with nice – I’ve never fallen in love with nice. I am comfortable with nice, but nice doesn’t make my heart bounce, it doesn’t put any fireworks in my life – nice is just nice. I’ve tried falling for the nice guys – including M. I can’t possibly tell you exactly what M. feels for me – he won’t tell me what he feels for me and I’m no good at guessing. I do know that he likes me – some days I’m not sure why he likes me, but he does.

He has a great time annoying me – little, silly things. He does not cuddle, but he’ll adjust the headlights on my truck, he won’t hold my hand, but he’ll change the fuse so the horn works…tradeoffs. My ideal guy would do both and I wouldn’t have to ask – but at the same time, I wouldn’t expect them to know that the horn is broken unless I said something about it – perfect does not equal telepathic.

I don’t see what the bricks have to do with your rule. If you set a rule, and then you remove the bricks – aren’t you setting me up to not follow the rule? How does that make any sense at all? You want to get through to my heart, but you don’t want me to fall in love with you…talk about contradictions. Okay…how about we don’t worry about bricks or rules or contradictions. How about we keep on talking, learning about each other, keep you from being lonely, keep me horny and wait for you to come back home.

Now, granted, I plan on dying before you just by statistics alone – and if anyone should worry about how much time is left it’s me, so how about we just see where things go from here and deal with things as they happen. I’ll leave my bricks in the warehouse if you leave your rules under your bed.

Oh, and don’t worry about me no matter what happens we’ve been friends for a while and I don’t think that will change.

FROM: HIM
3- Why don’t you want to be safe with me, I don’t understand?

FROM: HER
3. I think you are too hard on yourself. So, you’ve been an asshole before, so what? If you’re going to get rid of the rule, neither of us are “safe.” But isn’t that what it’s all about – if everyone played it safe, we would live in a very boring world. Why do you think I need to be protected, kept safe, from you? Are you going to intentionally do something to hurt me? You say no, but you keep worrying about my safety? What exactly is it you are worried about doing? Hurting my feelings? They’ve been hurt before and I’ve survived…hell, M. hurt my feelings two months ago and we’re surviving. Granted, it’s not ideal, but it’s okay. Then again, it wasn’t ideal before I found out – it was just okay.

I have some hesitations...and it’s a matter of splitting fantasy from reality. I like having fantasies, but it doesn’t mean I want to carry out all of them. There are some that I can easily visualize but know that in reality they are nearly impossible to be as I visualize them…example, Ode to a Trans Am. I’ve always had a fantasy about picking up a complete stranger and screwing them for my pleasure and then leaving. For two simple reasons: one, there’s no commitment; second, I think it would blow a guys mind to have a woman do that to him.

The one that you created with the guys in the bar – I don’t think so. Twenty years ago – maybe, but there’s no way I’d do it today. All I need is one person to know that I’ve done something like this and I’d risk exposing me for a much different person than is known in my pohunk town. Now, maybe in some alternate universe many moons from here – but certainly nowhere near where I think it could ever get back to my home or my children. Now, after my kids are completely grown and on their own – I may rethink these comments and thoughts, but that’s a woman’s prerogative – to change her mind.

Now – that goes back to you, are you fantasy or reality? I hear what you are trying to say and I really believe that this online and over the phone getting to know each other is nice, but we will have to spend face time together to see how much further it can/will/could/should go. Talking to you is fun, it’s so much fun, and it’s a great way for me to spend my day, and it makes me feel great too. I know that if you were 40-50 and said and did these very same things, I would still hesitate and would still be saying the same things. There are so many obstacles from mileage, to kids, to age – so how about we just take a day at a time and see where it goes and what happens?

I hope I got everything. I need to get the shop closed and get out of here. I’ll check in tomorrow and see if this created more questions for you…I hope not, but I’m ready to answer anything you ask. I’ll be in around 1:00 tomorrow afternoon – 9pm your time? But I’m taking the laptop home tonight so I can have it in the morning – I like to spend Sunday mornings in bed with you, even if it’s just reading your emails.

FROM: HIM
Sounds good.

Thinking about it you are right that is contradictory on my part. I guess ideally I would want something like this:

I think it is sad when you say that your ex and your past has shown you how to be cold and put up a wall and not love. I want to change that. That doesn’t mean we will fall in love, that just means I want to show you that there are people out there that won’t hurt you if you fall for them. Therefore I want to remove that wall slowly. If in the process we end up falling for each other then great. My only concern is that if we fall for each other I don’t want to ever hurt you.

So you are absolutely correct. That is contradictory…

How about this, scratch the rule completely. Please be careful if we fall for each other, please let me know how you feel immediately after something turns even slightly negative…that way I can fix it.

Ok so officially that rule is gone then.